Zaphod Beeblebrox

In speaking of the indomitable Zaphod Beeblebrox, the effort of describing him in terms which are easily related and understood to and by the average man in the street is simplified considerably by Zaphod`s psychiatrist, Gag Halfrunt who said, "Vell, Zaphod`s just zis guy, you know." But does that really reveal the true Zaphod. How can that simple statement possibly convey the full truth of Zaphod Beeblebrox, the ex-President of the Galaxy, the first Zaphod Beeblebrox in a proud line of Zaphod Beeblebrox`s extending all the way back to his great-grandfather, Zaphod Beeblebrox IV? Moreover, how is someone worthy of having his name repeated eight times in only a few lines if he can adequately be described as "just this guy." You`ll be pleased to note that in the subsequent paragraphs we will tell you.

But not this one.

It should be remembered that he and Ford are marginally related, but (stop here if you are uncomfortable with sex metaphors, because they`re coming) whereas Ford could be described as the kind of fellow who could be satisfied with a "normal" sex-life (the editorial staff of the Encyclopedia Galactica recently gave up in their efforts to scientifically define what could properly be called "normal" in terms of sex because they realized that as they dutifully focused on their surveys, open sex forums and reading of what J. Giels so eloquently called "girlie magazines" they were, in fact, missing out on a good bit of that which they were researching, and in the grand coital frenzy which followed, all of their research was either lost, destroyed or vigorously ignored, so once again it is left to the Guide to do the dirty work, which in a fit of noblesse oblige they rose to the challenge and defined it thus, "just do your thing baby, and why not mine while you`re at it"), fairly regular couplings with the occasional third party thrown in for good measure. But the cross which Zaphod must bear is that, where his semicousin is satisfied with that one might call average, he is stuck needing the love of Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6 to satiate his desire. And such it is with everything in the life of Zaphod.

The bigger the better. The more exotic, the more appropriate. The more difficult to find adjectives, the closer to heaven he is. He created the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. He stole the Heart of Gold. And he is a seven time winner of the Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe award. That is Zaphod. And he happens to be my favorite character.